Tuesday, January 28, 2003
I am so excited to hear back from you. I have been telling my cats, Mister Snickers and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown, how we
are going to help someone who needs help! They're a little upset because they think that "da da" is going to spend his
millions from the insurance settlement. I assured them I wasn't and that Alaahh would be looking out for us and we
would actually be rewarded by his supremeness with even more money than we already have!!!!
Mister Snickers (the grey kittykat with an attitued) sat in my lap and purred with delight. I think he was purring
"praise alaahh and meow!".
Maybe not.
Irreggardless, I will try to contact your son today. I have a son, too. He lives in Downey, California. It sounds as
if you have a very great relationship with your son. Mine seems to be too busy for me, except to make sure that his
inheritance is in order. I've got a mind to just leave ALL of it to Mister Snickers and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown! (In
the event of my death, they're going to get $100,000 a year until their nine lives run out (which I'm praying happen
after my death; I couldn't bear the thought of losing them. I'm sure you understand, Achooba.))
Well, here's looking forward to finally speaking to your lovely son. Is he a heterosexual, too?
One final thing, I have three lovely avocado trees in my back yard. I would love to send you some Avocados! (one
of the advantages of living in Florida is the year round fruits and vegetables!) Where should I send them?
I have peaches, too.
---
Dean Cameron
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From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 2:54 AM
To: Dean Cameron
Subject: URGENT
Dear Dean Cameron ,
greeting to you and your family in the name of allah,
I'm very happy hearing from you again,i thought by now
we should have finish arranging on how to make claim
of the fund,but you did not call my son for more
detail.
pls do call him today for more details:234-802-312-4016 call him any tim
as soon as you recieve this message so as to start
the process of claim immediately.
pls my brother i want you to take this transaction
seriouse because this is the only money
that i and my family have to survive now, all others
has been siezed by nigeria government.
Pls try and call my son today.
Regards,
Dr Mrs Mariam Abacha
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Found this photo in google pictures. Sent it along...

Achoo, hello!
Here is a photo of my PRETTY KITTY KATS, mister snickers(the gray bad boy on the left) and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown
(the other one, natch!) because you've expressed interest in them. I still would like to know where to send the
avocados (I would send you guuascomoloe but I don't think it would ship well to your Ally forsaken cuntry. So, I'll
send the avocados. Of course, I understand that this is all on the QT, as we say here in Gator Country (that's
Florida, to us locals!). Do you say "On the QT"? Fascinating.
Anyway, I am sending a copy of this email to your lovely he-man of a son, Timothy, as a way of reaching out and
offering my assistance to you in your plight. I will type quietly and softly so as not to alert the authorities. We need
to make sure you get out of that rathole safely, Arhcoo Murian! It's no place for a fine woman such as
yourself. (I'm sure you agree, ma'am, and I hope I cause you no offense by referring to you by your full name. (I
would never want to insult you; I consider myself now a sort of diplomat and want to represent myself (and, of course
MISTER SNICKERS AND JOE JOE THE DANCING CLOWN) in the best, most professional light possible.) I think it's important,
as your business partner, to get a bit familiar with each other. (you may, of course, refer to me by my nickname, THE
HAWK, any time you wish. (THE HAWK is a nickname I was given during my years as an investment banker on "The
Street" where I made my fortune.) Nicknames are good.))
(I get confused by the parenthesis sometimes. You?)
Where were we. I just had to shoo Joe Joe the Dancing Clown off of the couch. I can assure you that the term "KRAZY
KAT!" applies %1000 PERSINT to Joe Joe the Dancing Clown. He is K-R-A-Z-Y!!!
My son, also a heterosexual, is also interested in this business venture. Though, I shall not release any information
about you or your fine speci-MAN of a son until instructed to do so.
I've rambled on long enough. Here is the point of this bit of correspondence: The phone number you've given me has,
once again, too many numbers. It begins ringing even before I finish dialing it. (Then that woman comes on "The number
you have reached is not in service..." Don't you hate her condescending voice? (Condescending means to talk down to
someone, by the way.) I sertanly hate her voice. Blech!)
So, please, mayhaps I could just give you my phone number and we could get started on this financial endeavor as I
am most excited about it!
I love you!
Dean Cameron
Then they wrote this:
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Original Message
From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Wednesday, January 29, 2003 10:48 AM
To: Dean Cameron
Subject: ALLAH WILL BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
Dear Dean Cameron,
Thanks for your mail all content well noted, but i
don't seem to understand what you are taking this
business for! pls i mean what i'm saying,this is the
only money i and my family are left to survive with.
pls if you will help retrief this money from the
security company pls do.
if you can not call him(my son) on phone pls talk to
him through his email
Address:ibrahim001@consultant.com
i will realy be happy if you and him finalize every
thing ,as you already know that my movement is still
under strict survalance.
thanks,
MRS MARIAM ABACHA
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More from me... Not one of my finest, but I think the "parenthetical section" is sort of great.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Oh this is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, news,
Choada Marriam!
I have not, however, heard from your fullsome manchild. I await contact from him with bated (quiet cat-like) breaths.
I tried that phone number that you sent me and also a few combinations of the telephone number. (I was only able to
make contact with a dry cleaners (they were somewhere outside of Baraboo, Wisconsin (I ended up in a very, very
nice conversation with the gentleman (I said nothing about our arrangement, writing off my "dialing error" to the
heartbreak of bursitis and a spastic colon (which I actually have!) who mentioned the freezing temperatures there in
Wisconsin (I invited him and his wife, Joyce, to my home here in Florida as I have more than a few extra
bedrooms available!) which prompted the long conversation I mentioned in a previous parenthetical) and as I have
a dry cleaners here already to dry clean all of my suits (and Mister Snicker's "da-da's-gonna-take-you-for-a-walk-vest!")
we began chatting about other things.(All mentioned previously, I believe.)
A spastic colon is no picnic, I tell you. Perhaps Allah will reward me after this investment opportunity is
completed.
Again, you have not mentioned my offer of Avocados, so I will cease mentioning it. They probably wouldn't ship so
well, either, I imagine. Oh, my crimony, my guaccosomolie is sooooooo good. I'll send you a recipe.
Do you need a place to stay once you arrive in this land? I have a sort of estate. It's humble, for sure, but it
is on a few acres of land here. I employ a boy from Thailand, Kwan, who helps me out from time to time. I'm
sure you understand.
Please, let me know what the next step is to be. I have not heard from your cherished child, my spicy
senorita!!!!
I want to help you. I want to hold you. I want all to be light and piece for you and yours.
Do you think we need a code word? How about "Joe Joe the Dancing Clown is purring."
I love you!
---
Dean Cameron
They were a bit, um, confused...
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From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Thursday, January 30, 2003 6:35 PM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: ALLAH WILL REWARD YOU
Dear DEAN CAMERON,
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,I REALLY THANKS YOU SO MUCH,FOR
BEEN THERE FOR ME AND YOUR FAMILY,I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
THANK YOU NOW TILL I COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY I
PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER REGRET HELPING A WIDOW LIKE ME.
MY SON TOLD ME THAT YOU SENT HIM A MAIL,AND HE HAS
ALSO REPLY THE MAIL TELLING YOU THE NEXT LINE OF
ACTION.
PLS TRY AND COMPROMISE WITH MY SON TO GET THIS MONEY
OUT THE SECURITY COMPANY, THIS IS OUR LAST HOPE,AND I
AM COUNTING ON YOU AS ALLAH SENTPERSON TO REMOVE ME
AND MY FAMILY FROM THIS SITUATION.
PLS I WILL ALSO LIKE YOU TO START NEGOCIATING ON A
VERY GOOD BUSINESS I WILL INVEST THIS FUND ON, TRY AS
MUCH AS POSSIBLE, BECAUSE IT IS VERY NECCESSARY.
I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU THAT EVERY ARRANGEMENT TO GO
AND CLAIM OF THE FUND IS BEEN MADE.
MAY ALLAH REWARD YOU,
MRS MARIAM ABACHA
Saturday, February 1, 2003
I think this person may now be fucking with me... I never got an email from "her son". Ah well... It was fun.
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I still have not heard from your boy.
Here is my fax number 475018
Here is my famous guacsoamole recipe!
Joe Joe's Dancing Guacamole
Ingredients
2 ripe avocados
1/4 cup sour cream
1/2 tomato chopped finely
1/2 cup grated onion
1/2 teaspoon garlic salt
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
Directions
Peel avocado and mash well. Add sour cream, tomato, onion, garlic salt, and lemon juice; mix well. Serve with Love!
No thanks for the recipe, though... check out the end of her letter to me! Love is requited!!!
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Original Message
From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Saturday, February 01, 2003 1:33 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: RE: ALLAH WILL REWARD YOU
DEAR DEAN CAMERON,
HOW ARE YOU HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMIL.
I SPOKE WITH MY SON YESTERDAY IN RESPECT OF THIS
TRANSACTION,HE TOLD ME HE SENT YOU A MAIL WITHOUT
RESPONSE FROM YOU,WHAT IS IS THE PROBLEM?
PLS MY DEAR I WANT THIS MONEY TO CLEARED FROM THE
SECURITY COMPANY BEFORE THE END OF THIS MONTH.
MY SON TOLD ME THAT HE REQUESTED YOUR WILLINGNESS TO
TRAVEL AND MAKE THE CLAIM,BUT I TOLD HIM ALLAH SENT
YOU TO COME AND HELP ME, THAT THERE IS NO NEED ASKING
FOR YOUR WILLINGNESS TO GO AND HELP CLEAR THE
FUND,THAT YOU HAVE ASSURE ME THAT EVERY THING WILL BE
FINE.
HE SAID WHAT HE JUST NEED FROM YOU NOW IS YOUR FULL
NAME AND YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR EFFECTIVE
COMMUNICATION AND ALSO TO ENABLE MY FAMILY LAWYER TO SEND TO YOU ALL THE
RELIVANT DOCUMENTS.
PLS MY DEAR I WANT YOU TO SEND TO HIME ALL THOSE
INFORMATION HE REQUESTED SO AS TO START THIS
TRANSACTION IMMEDIATELY.
IF POSSIBLE YOU CAN SEND THEM TO ME SO I CAN TANSFER
THE INFORMATIONS TO HIM.
WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU SWEET.
I LOVE YOU.
MRS MARIAN ABACHA
Monday, February 3, 2003
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Okay, so the "son", Ibrahim, wrote me. I've been busy, so I didn't get to send him a message right away. The "mother"
then wrote me another email.
The most amazing part of the letter from the "mom" is that she sends her regards to the cats!!!!!!! Sometimes life
is really cool.
From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Monday, February 03, 2003 7:43 PM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: WHY THE DELAY
DEAR DEAN CAMERON,
HOW IS LIFE AND HOW IS EVERY THING HOPE COOL.MY SON
TOLD ME HE SENT A MAIL TO YOU SINCE YESTERDAY WITHOUT AKNOWLEDGEMENT AND HE SAID HE USED HIS OTHER MAILBOX SINCE
YOU COULD NOT RECIEVE THE MAIL HE SENT TO YOU THROUGH THE MAIL ADDRESS I GAVE YOU.IN THIS APEX, I HAVE GIVEN
HIM MY PASSWORD TO ALWAYS REACH YOU FOR FAST CONCLUSION OF THIS TRANSACTION.MY DEAR, PLS TRY AND
HELP ME OUT OF THIS PROBLEM SO AS TO TAKE MY CHILDREN DOWN TO YOUR COUNTRY AND LIVE THERE FOREVER SINCE THE COUNTRY
WERE I WAS BORN, NOW DECIDED TO TREAT ME AND MY FAMILY LIKE ANIMALS.
MY SON (IBRAHIM) FORWARDED THE MESSAGE HE SENT TO YOU
TO MY MAIL ADDRESS WHICH IS AS FOLLOWS:
Dear Sir,
I am IBRAHIM ABACHA,son to DR.MRS.MARIAM ABACHA.I have
the mandate of my mother to communicate with you as
regards your interest in assisting us to secure the
funds which my late father deposited into a private
security company here in NIGERIA which has their
branch in AMSTERDAM
Mean-while,the present civilian Government of chief
Olusegun Obasanjo has not been good to our family.He
has frozen all accounts both within and international
and has also gone as far as confiscated all our assets
to the extent I and my mother are presently living
under the good will of our well-wishers.
To enable us conclude this transaction,we have to work
hand in hand with the security company to achieve our
goal and most importantly we need you to travel to
AMSTERDAM to serve as the beneficiary since we cannot
travel by ourselves to receive the box of the funds.
I have been told by my mother that he has onced
forward to you my contact telephone number and you
complained that you are unable to get through to
me.Here is an alternative number to reach
me.234-8033262593.As a matter of urgency,you are
advice to call me on the above telephone number as
time is of the essence.My mother has also forward to
me today your fax number and I discover is not
correct.Please endearvour to include your direct
telephone number and your correct fax number for
easier and faster communications between us when
replying this message.
N/B:The box of the funds is still lying down in the
security company here in NIGERIA.I shall instruct them
to transfer it to their AMSTERDAM branch when you have
agreed to travel to AMSTERDAM to receive it.Please
treat with utmost trust and confidentiality as we are
looking forward to a long and lasting relationship
with you.Awaiting your call or e-mail.
Best Regards,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
N/B:I have sent you two mails before through my
mail.com account and I have just been told by my
mother that you did not receive the mails,then I
decided to reach you through my hotmail.com account
and I hope you will receive this.
PLS TRY AND COMPROMISE WITH HIM AND CONCLUDE THIS
TRANSACTION THIS MONTH OF FEBRAURY IN THE NAME OF
ALLAH.
I WILL SEND TO YOU MY PICTURE AS SOON AS YOU GET BACK
TO MY SON IN HIS NEW EMAIL
ADDRESS:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com
WITH POSSITIVE RESPONSE.
MY DEAR, HAVE YOU ENQUIRE FOR A SUITABLE BUSINESS WERE
THIS FUND WILL BE INVESTED?PLS LET ME KNOW IT IS
IMPORTANT.
MAY ALLAH GUID YOU AND YOUR FAMILY,
BEST REGARDS ,
DR.MRS.MARIAM ABACHA
N/B SAY HELLO TO mister snickers(the gray bad
boy on the left) and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown
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Then I wrote this. With a mention of Mr. Sterling, a t.v. show I'm working on. Also a mention of Penn and Teller.
Hello my new friend from South-of-the-Border and "Ole!".
Please forgive my tardiness in my replying response to you and yours (I am copying your wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, mother, Miss Morian BeNacho, who I hope will come and stay
with me (as well as you and whatever family you may have) or one of my properties (modest, but lovely) here in
beautiful, sunny Florida U.S.A. Irabahim, this phone number: 234-8033262593 DOES NOT WORK! I have tried and
tried and tried. (I ever asked my heterosexual son to try it (don't worry, I have spoken not a word to
him (even though I did feel him out and I am sure he would be very amenable to get in on this wonderful investment
opportunity) about this transaction) and it did not work for him, either.
("Poppy!" he said to me "why do you waste my time with this telephone number that does not work!?" (sometimes
his syntax befuddles me!) after the third attempt.)
Here is a phone/fax where you may reach me: 323 4-5018. It works, I know. I just got the people at Vanguard to
fax most of my account info (I want to make sure I have this at my fingertips when we finally do (and I know we
will (ask Allloh!) my new friend) make our connection!) the day I sent your senorita my initial e-mail!
Your loving and devoted mother (Single? Too soon to ask? Sorry! Forgive, please! A slip!) has forwarded me another
message today (she is, as am I, frustrated at my tardiness in contactinnnge you) where it was mentioned that I will
be travvvelling to Amsterdam.
This pleases me to no end. I was there a few years ago as a celebration when I helped my son sell his first business.
I thought it high time that he know the pleasures of the flesh and Amsterdam was just the place for it, I tell you! (one
of his "escorts" turned out to have a much different set of plumbing than the one he was lead to believe
(not judging, just saying) yet we all had a fine meal together after the hilarity of the situation reared its
comedic head. (Not a pun, just a phrase. PRAISE ALLLA!)
I do hope that your mesmerizing mother, Choada, has mentioned that my cats, Mister Snickers and Joe Joe the Dancing
Clown (see enclosed photo (mister snickers is the one with the evil, evil (yet playful) grin) hope that's not a
problem!) are, as they say, IN FULL EFFECT as far as their support of me goes. I explained (or "splained" as a
Mister Ricky Ricardo would say) to them that their inheritance of $100,000 a year for the rest of their lives was
not in jeopardy and they would be well taken care of upon my death. Mister Snickers (he should be named
Mister Haughty (it would only confound him, though) what with his "KAT-I-TUDE", and all) even seemed supportive. I
noticed him cleaning his fur at a brisiker pace than usual (as if he was cleaning himself for our future
visitors (that's you, my new friend) and wanted to look his best!) and purred, purred, purred, purred through
Friday's night of Television. (have you seen the new show, Mister Sterling on NBC? It is a WINNER! GREAT
PERFORMANCES!) I was sad to see Providence go, but (as mentioned in previous parenthetical) Mister Sterling seems
like a HIT WITH A CAPITAL H! (there is also a show on Showtime with that big freak loudmouth magician (and the
cute little one who doesn't talk, poor fella) that is just a treat (decorum prevents me from mentioning its name (the
initials are B and S (that should give you an idea) though) they're naughty like KATS!) also.)
Sometimes I feel lightheaded and sad at the same time. You?
No matter.
Please, my friend, I have rambled for too long, my friend.
The point is: Contact me. I would like nothing more than to help you and your muy caliente Mother.
Please take care, Ibarhim!
I love you.
How can I help?How can I help?How can I help?How can I help?How can I help?How can I help?
---
Dean Cameron
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The "mother" sent me these photos and a note. Again, my love is now requited!!!


From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2003 9:09 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: Attachment of my photographs.
Dearest Dean Cameron,
I am very happy you have contacted my son.Now there
will be progress in this transaction.Attatched below
are my photographs for your perusal of my person,and
please always keep in touch with my son for effective
conclusion of this transaction. May allah reward you my dear.
I love you,
Dr.Mrs.Mariam Abacha.
N/B:I understand my son has update you about what he
was told by the cargo manager of the security company
to assist in the relocation of the box of the funds to Amsterdam,
please come to our help because I really want the box of the funds
to depart Nigeria for Amsterdam so that I can have rest of mind,
based on what has happened to all our funds before.
Then Ibrahim wrote back again.
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From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 04, 2003 3:08 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE.
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your mail response and your willingness to help.I am
very surprise you are unable to get through to my telephone lines,I advice
you should also try although it is difficult for you to get through.But
since I have your tel/fax numbers,I will always be calling you.
Like I told you in my previous mail,the consignment at presently is still
here in the security company in NIGERIA.However,I have concluded arrangement
with the cargo manager to help us move the consignment to their AMSTERDAM
branch for your onward collection and he made me to understand that we will
be responsible for the transfer charges to move the consignment to their
AMSTERDAM branch.The transfer charges which he told me is us$1,850.
Sir,please we need your help to pay off this transfer charges so the
consignment can leave NIGERIA as soon as possible before it gets to the
knowledge of our Government and confiscate it just the way he has done to
all our properties and accounts.
Once again,thank you very much for your concern about me and my mother and
we are looking forward to residing in USA with you till the end time.
However,you are advice to start making your travelling preparation down to
AMSTERDAM to receive the consignment.Endearvour to update me about your
travelling arrangement and when possibly you are travelling to AMSTERDAM.
Best Regards,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
N/B:Note that my mother is very happy to be associated with you.
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Then I wrote more... Stalling, you see...
My good friend. I am getting my passport in order now. I have also checked on two flights from here to Amsterdam.
I'm thinking of bringing my cats, but that might be more heartache than I'm prepared to deal with at this moment.
Are there hotels in Amsterdam (you haven't mentioned a city yet (so secretive, IBARAMAH!) (just joking) so I'm
not sure where I'm going to need to go) that have cats? I'm thinking I could leave Mister Snickers (senor snickers
en espanol!) and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown here if there was a hotel or three which already had a cat. Maybe you
know.
I'm looking forward to Amsterdam. Maybe there is a prostitute or three who would like to sample some of me, I'm
thinking.
They'd probably only love me for my wealth. Hah! I kid because I love.
I shall write more tomorrow, my good muffin!
I love the photos. Your mother is a lovely lady. I BELIEVE WE OWN THE SAME COUCH! WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT, SIRRAH!?!
Until tomorrow, when I have more time and less of a burning in my "down there" place and can concentrate more readily.
Praze Allha!
---
Dean Cameron
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I get a little geography lesson from them. They let me know that Amsterdam is not, in fact, a country. But a city in
the Netherlands... This goes unnoticed.
From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Friday, February 07, 2003 6:33 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IS NEEDED TO PAY OFF THE TRANSFER CHARGES.
Dear Sir,
Thank you for your mail response.I was wondering why I did not hear from
you,may be probably you were busy,is good hearing from you today.
The contents of your mail are well noted,but however I did not think that
you understand the contents of my last mail to you very well.I repeat
again,I have dialogued with the cargo manager of the security company to
help us move the consignment to their AMSTERDAM branch and he made me to
understand that we will be responsible for the transfer charges us$1,800.He
said this sum must be pay to him as the transfer charges before he will help
move the consignment to their AMSTERDAM branch.
Sir,this is the most important thing for now.My mother is very worried that
the consignment is still here in NIGERIA.We wants the consignment to be out
of NIGERIA as soon as possible before it gets to the knowledge of our
Government and confiscate it just the way he has done to all our properties
and accounts.
Sir,please without wasting anytime further,we need your urgent assistance to
pay off this us$1,800 so the cargo manager can move the consignment out of
NIGERIA to their AMSTERDAM branch.
You are travelling to AMSTERDAM,NEITHERLANDS.After you have assist us paying
off this bill of us$1,800 for the transfer charges,the cargo manager will
depart NIGERIA immediately with the consignment to their AMSTERDAM branch.He
will contact you immediately he arrive AMSTERDAM and he has assured us that
he will receive you at the airport on your arrival to AMSTERDAM so that you
won't experience any difficulty in getting to them.All you need do is to
furnish the cargo manager with your flight details when he shall give you a
call from AMSTERDAM so as to enable him know when to pick you up from the
airport.
Once again,we need your urgent help to pay off the transfer charges.Notify
me when you want to send the us$1,800 for the transfer charges so that I can
furnish you with the informations you need to send the money successfully.
May allah reward you for your great concern about my family and we are
looking forward to residing with you forever in your home in USA.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
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All I could think of was the following question:
Does the account manager take paypal?
---
Dean Cameron
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I got no reply and also decided that I wanted to seem pushy and excited, plus, a friend sent me a funny
foto of a cat. Seemed like "Ibrahim" might want to see, right?
So:

Irabiahm,
Waiting for your reply regarding Paypal.
In the meantime, I took my pride and joy, Mister Snickers, to the groomers. I said "Go wild! Surprise me! Mister
Snickers is feeling wacky, wacky, wacky and so am I. I may be traveling to Amsterdam!!" (I of course, made no
mention of our top secret arrangement) and this is what Luiz (not a heterosexual like you and me) came up with.
I think it is (as Luiz says) "ABSOLUTELY spanINE!!!"
Would love to hear your comments and your answer regarding paypal, my sweet.
---
Dean Cameron
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No mention about the killer "Lion Cut". Bastards! But "Ibrahim" did reply rather quickly...
From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Friday, February 07, 2003 10:39 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: SEND THE MONEY THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
Dear Sir,
Thanks for your mail response.No the account manager does not take paypal.
For you to send the money,you will have to go to any bank there in USA where
they operate western union money transfer and tell them that you want to
remit money to NIGERIA.Then a form will be given to you to fill there in the
western union's office.
In the receiver's name in the form you will fill in ANDREW DESMOND OSHO as the receiver's name. This is the
secretary's name of
the security company.Immediately this is done you will have to furnish me
with all the informations you use in sending the money for submission to the
secretary to enable him go to the bank here and pick up the money,I hope
this is understood sir?.
Once again,thank you very much for your concern about us and this is
definitely going to be a good beginning of a long and lasting relationship.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
N/B:FOR SECURITY REASONS INCASE YOU ARE SUBJECTED TO SOME QUESTIONING IN THE
BANK,TELL THEM YOU ARE SENDING THE MONEY TO YOUR FAMILY IN NIGERIA.THIS IS
TO ENSURE MAXIMUM SECURITY.
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I thought that it was time to confuse 'em.
Ibarhim Analcha,
I have something very important I must share with you, my brother:
My son, the fierce man, was concerned when I spoke of my trip to Assmerdam, and would not let me get off the phone
until I told him "what was up". I had to tell him about our correspondence and my plan to help you and
your "Senora Muy Caliente" mother, Abbahhocho.
He was upset that I was keeping a way to make money from him and wanted to help. I told you before (these are all
running together for me) that I had mentioned to him that I was going to be able to make some extra money (and help
out a fellow Mausoleaum Worhsippe) and now he knows. He is all for it with one caveat:
He is concerned about our pig government monitoring email. (They talked about it on my new favorite
Television program "Mister Sterling" (have you watched it? FANTASTIC SHOW!!!) last episode (it's on tonight, praise
allooh!).)
He suggested that from now on (after I get to western union tomorrow morning) we use a code to communicate like this:
A=1
B=2
C=3
D=4
E=5
F=6
G=7
H=8
I=9
J=10
K=11
L=12
M=13
N=14
O=15
P=16
Q=17
R=18
S=19
T=20
U=21
V=22
W=23
X=24
Y=25
Z=69
PLEASE NOTE THAT Z IS REPRESENTED BY THE NUMBER 69 AND NOT THE NUMBER 26!!! (one would assume that it would be 26 and
this is exactly why I chose a different number: TO THROW OUR PIG GOVERNMENT OFF THE TRAIL!!!!! PRAISE HALO!)
So you get the idea, the sentence "HELLO, B-NACHO" WOULD BE: 85121215 2-1413815. This may add a few minutes to our
correspondence, but I think it is fair to say that a sensitive matter such as this, you don't want those mother
hubbards in Nigeria stealing even more money, or worse, hurting my cats.
(by the way "MEOW" is 1351523 in our new code)
Let me know if this works for you. Or if you have another remedy. My driver is getting the car fixed today and will
be taking me to Western Union tomorrow. (If I make the check for $2000, would that be okay? (I like keeping my
numbers rounded off) You could use the extra money to buy yourself a delicious ice cream cone or something.)
P.S. Joe Joe the Dancing Clown does not care for the program "Mister Sterling". (Mister Snickers does!)
P.P.S What does N/B mean? Is that like P.S.?
P.P.P.S (or N/B) Is Andrew Desmond Osho from Logan, Utah? I knew a very nice man in Logan, Utah named Andrew many years ago.
I don't know if Desmond Osho was his last name, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
N/B: 9 1215225 251521
(The above is: I LOVE YOU in our code... Mum's the word!)
---
Dean Cameron
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The code seems, er... long... An alternative is suggested.
From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, February 08, 2003 2:53 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: AWAITING THE INFORMATIONS YOU USE IN SENDING THE MONEY.
(ELIZABETH K).
Dear Sir,
Thanks for your mail response and the contents are well understood.It is
through about what you said for the need of a code in our communications.But
the code you have suggested is too long.I advice we use the code (ELIZABETH
K),my aunt's name in all our communications.Any e-mail I'm sending to you
from now on will carry (ELIZABETH K)on top of the message just like I have
putting it on top now.You will also have to make sure that you always
include the code just as I did now in all your emails you are sending to
me,like you know it is to ensure maximum security.
ANDREW DESMOND OSHO is not from LOGAN,UTAH,the name might just be similar
but he is not from UTAH.He is the general secretary of the security company.
After sending the money today,endearvour to furnish me with the informations
you use in sending the money immediately so as to enable ANDREW DESMOND OSHO
pick up the money from the bank so that the consignment can leave NIGERIA
immediately.Thank you very much for what you said I should use to buy myself
ICE CREAM,I am very happy.I will tell my mother so she can also help me to
thank you.
N/B means note below or important notice.I use it to advice that incase you
are subjected to some questioning by the western union's office on who you
are sending money to in NIGERIA,you should tell them that you are sending
money to your family in NIGERIA because we are now like your family
members,I hope this is well understood?and again,it is to ensure maximum
secrecy so that they won't know about our transactional arrangement.
Once again,thank you very much for your great concern about us and Allah
will reward you greatly for your love for us.
May Allah bless you.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
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Their impatience is showing. I didn't write back for one day and the "mother"
sent me an email. I think she's in to me. She asked about the cats and signed off
with "I love you". I'm a lucky man.
From: abacha marian [mailto:marianabachauk002@yahoo.co.uk]
Sent: Sunday, February 09, 2003 10:02 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: thank you very much.
My Dear Dean Cameron,
Greetings to you and your family.How are you and
your kitkats,hope they are doing fine.
My son has updated me about your dealings with
him,also how you promised to send him money together
with the transfer charges to buy ice cream for
himself.I am very grateful about this,this shows that
you really care about us,thank you very much about
this.
Please,always keep in touch with us because not
hearing from you is like we are in the dark.Infact I
am very happy you are there for me and I'm really
looking forward to leaving with you in USA.Waiting to
hear from you sweet and my son is also waiting to
receive some informations about the money you promise
to send.
It's me writing,MARIAM,
I LOVE YOU.
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I reply a couple of days later. Using, of course, a different code.
From: "dean cameron" d ean@mighty cheese.com
Reply-To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
To: "'ibrahim abacha'" ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 2003 21:39:22 -0800
(MISTER STERLING)
Hello my good friend from the land down under! I am testing this new
code.
THE CROW FLIES AT MIDNIGHT!
---
Dean Cameron
Ibrahim gets a little pissy and I reply.
----- Original Message -----
From: "ibrahim abacha" ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Sent: Tuesday, February 11, 2003 3:57 AM
Subject: URGENT/CONFIDENTIAL.
(ELIZABETH K).
Dear Sir,
How is MISTER STERLING AND MISTER SNICKERS,I hope they are doing alright.
I just received your mail and I must tell you that the contents are not
understood.Regarding our code of communication(ELIZABETH K),I do not see
anything to be tested there.It is very easy,all you need do is to always put
it on top of your e-mail whenever you are mailing me just like I have
putting it on top now.I am trying to say that there is nothing to text there
in the new code as it is delaying this transaction.
I expected to receive all the necessary informations from you to enable
ANDREW DESMOND OSHO pick up the money from the bank so that the consignment
can depart NIGERIA to AMSTERDAM immediately.Now I'm surprised you did'nt
even make any reference to that.Like you know time is of essence and this
funds is our future hope,hence the need for the consignment to leave NIGERIA
as soon as possible before it gets to the knowledge of our Government and
froze it just the way he has done to all our properties and accounts,I hope
this is understood.I must tell you that we are not happy about your delay in
responding to our mails.My mother told me she also e-mailed you but she did
not hear from you uptill now.She said she like hearing from you all the time
as I believe she always think about you.
I have tried your number times without numbers it is permanently on
fax.Please provide me with your direct mobile number where I can always get
you anytime I call you,because I want to have a voice contact with you.
Please endearvour to get back to me immediately you receive this mail and I
should expect the informations issued to you by the WERSTERN UNION'S OFFICE
that will enable ANDREW DESMOND OSHO pick up the money from the bank without
further delay and also endearvour to e-mail my mother so she can be happy
because she have not been in a happy mood for sometime now,she did not hear
from you.
ALLAH will reward you for your great concern about us.Praise ALLAH.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
PLEASE REMEMBER TO INCLUDE THE CODE (ELIZABETH K)IN YOUR NEXT MAIL TO ENSURE
MAXIMUM SECURITY IN OUR COMMUNICATIONS.
I reply with some more about Mister Sterling and a nice parenthetical section,
if I do say so myself.
(ELIZABETH K).
Ibrahim my gusty friend,
I believe there is confusion amongst us. I went to Western Union and had a check made for $2000. It is
sitting next to my four ice skating trophies (no, I am not an Ice Skater, but I do love the trophies and
am constantly on the lookout for them at flea markets and antique shops (I love antiquing, though there
is not much here in Floradi) to add to my collection) on the shelf next to my desk here.
It is made out to ANDREW DESMOND OSHO (not from Utah, thanks for clearing that up (would've been quite a
coincidence, eh?!?!) although it would've been quite a coincidence, eh?!?!) and it is even in the capital letters
which you are so fond of using!
What address should I send it to?
How is the taquito known as your mother? I'm hoping she is all packed.
Speaking of packing. I found a friend to watch Mister Snickers and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown (you referred to one of
my cats as Mister Sterling; oh how I made a laugh (I schnertzed (that means laughing so that stuff shoots out of
your nose when you're drinking) my wine spritzer all over the screen) when i read that! I'm smiling now,
thinking of it.
Mister Sterling is my new favorite television program (I think that Josh Brolin is a keeper, don't you? (Have
you heard Audra Macdonald sing? spanINE!!!! LIKE AN ANGEL!!!! (of course I don't believe in angels now that
I am moslem) ) He reminds me of Roy Bilhouse, (Roy Bilhouse was my best friend in 10th grade. I don't
imagine that you know him.) who I always thought was quite like Josh Brolin (Obviously, I knew Roy before I
ever became aware of mr. brolin in "The Goonies" and now Mr. Sterling) with that rakish Nick Nolte demeanor) and Mister
Snickers and Joe Joe the Dancing Clown are my naughty feline cats. (I say naughty because Mister Snickers has
taken to taking the dried poopies from his catbox and leaving it in my bed! (don't ask me how I know
it's Mister Snickers' poopies. You do not want to know, sir) I don't know why he'd do that. Maybe he
knows I'm going on a trip to Assmerdam!)
My passport is in order. Remind me, when you have time, to tell you the story about taking Joe Joe the
Dancing Clown to the Federal Building many years ago to pose in my Passport photo with me! You'll SCHNERTZ!
Where do I send the check, my monkey?
(I'm not sure that this ELIZABETH K. business is effective, by the way. My son, the famous heterosexual, believes
that it is a worthless security measure. Much like the ones currently implemented by airport security in
the united states. (all for show, that is) Thoughts?)
PRAISE ALLOoO!
N/B: Mister Sterling is not on this week.
---
Dean Cameron
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Ibrahim Replies:
(ELIZABETH K).
Dear Sir,
Thank you very much for your mail response.The contents are well noted.
My mother is doing alright but she like hearing from you all the time.
The Mailing Address is:
1B TOYIN STREET,IKEJA
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
To the Attention of ANDREW DESMOND OSHO.
You are advice to send the check through DHL services and endearvour to
furnish me with the tracking number that will be given to you by the DHL
office for the package so as to enable ANDREW DESMOND OSHO track it down in
the DHL office here in NIGERIA.
Regarding our code of communication,if you insist we should be using the one
you suggested,fine.Then you will have to indicate it in your next mail.
Now I understand the difference between the two kats and the TV
programme.How are MISTER SNICKERS and JOE JOE the dancing clown,I hope they
are doing okay,my regards to them.
Please Sir,endearvour to go to the DHL office today to send the check and
most importantly remember to furnish me with the tracking number so that
ANDREW DESMOND OSHO can track down the check immediately it arrive their
office here in NIGERIA.This will enable the consignment leave NIGERIA
immediately because time is of essence.
I have receiced your direct telephone number.I will try as much as possible
to call you today for a voice contact between us.
May ALLAH reward you greatly for your concern about us.Praise ALLAH.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
IBRAHIM CALLS!!! Click to hear the .mp3!!!
I quickly sent off the following:
(ELIZABETH K).
Hello my latin friend and AHOY!!!!
Who is DHL? Is that a hockey league? There is a minor league hockey team in Miami, but I don't think
they are Nigerian.
Western union wasn't able to make the check for 264,360 Nigerian Naira so I thought I'd send it in Nigerian
Postage Stamps. Is that a good idea?
I went ahead and sent you a case of Avocados (or Oosho Andrew Lloyd Weber) and hand wrote out my famous
gaockomoaule recipe!!! I put a bottle of McElheny and Levy's Tabasco sauce and Mister Snicker's old
jingle jingle collar in the box. (DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO SHIP AVOCADOS TO
NIGERIA?!!?!? HOLY TOLEDO!)
Make sure Mister LLOYD SOHO DESMOND CHILD leaves the finished qgooacoomaoloe to sit for a bit so the
tabasco soaks in. Otherwise, you won't get the spice benefit!!! YOU MUST GET THE SPICE BENEFIT!
Once you and Mama Mia are safe here, we can sit on the porch, drink Cherry Fruit Punch and eat Gockomole together
while the kit kats weave furry figure eights at our feet.
Please to let me know about the conversion rate.
OH, I RECEIVED YOUR PHONE CALL. Please to leave your phone number next time!
---
Dean Cameron
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Two frantic emails from Ibrahim one after the other. Concern about the Avocados (which is a great name for a band).
From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 13, 2003 3:02 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: URGENT.
(ELIZABETH K).
Dear Sir,
Thanks for your mail response.The DHL is not a hockey league,it is a courier
service through which things are send from over-sea to any where in the
world.
Sir,I do not understand.Have you send the money already through western
union money transfer?I think the conversation rate is okay if you have send
it or you will have to indicate it there to pay ANDREW DESMOND OSHO in
usdollars.Some informations are surpose to be issue to you by the western
union's office such as CONTROL NUMBER,TEXT QUESTION,ANSWER,AMOUNT SEND AND
THE NAME OF SENDER,isn't?If all these informations are already be given to
you by the western union's office,endearvour to send the informations in
your next mail,this can also help ANDREW DESMOND OSHO to pick up the money
from the bank.
Have you send the check through DHL?because I understand you said you send
me a case of avocados,did you include the check?If yes,send me the tracking
number immediately for easier collection of the package by ANDREW DESMOND
OSHO.
Sir,enlighten more as regards your last mail because the contents are not
well understood.
May bless you for your concern about.Praise Allah.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
From: ibrahim abacha [mailto:ibrahimabacha_ng@hotmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 13, 2003 4:31 AM
To: d ean@mighty cheese.com
Subject: IN ADDITION.
(ELIZABETH K).
Dear Sir,
I have glance through your mail again and I was able to understand that you
could'nt send the money through western union money transfer.
The convertion rate here in NIGERIA is okay if ANDREW DESMOND OSHO receive
the money in usdollars.In the issue of sending the money in NIGERIAN postage
stamp,I dont think it is safe because they might open and found out that the
package contains money and as such steal the package.I advice you go to
western union and give them the us$2000 in cash not in check and they will
issue you all the informations listed in my first mail which you will be
require to send down immediately to enable ANDREW DESMOND OSHO pick up the
money from the bank.
Please Sir,try as much as possible to go to western union today and give
them the us$2000 in cash not in check because time is not on our side.Most
importantly,furnish me with all the informations immediately after sending
the money.Remember to indicate it there in western union's office to give
ANDREW DESMOND OSHO the us$2000 in usdollars not in Naira.
Regarding the shipment of AVOCADO into NIGERIA,I do not have the idea but I
will try and find out how possible it may be.
May Allah Bless you for you concern about us.Praise Allah.
Thanks,
IBRAHIM ABACHA.
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TWO MORE PHONE CALLS!!!
ibrahim2.mp3
ibrahim3.mp3